It’s difficult for me to find anything to disagree with in Peter Gray’s article “Children are Suffering a Severe Play Deficit.” After I finished reading it I immediately recalled a passage from Seeking Peace: Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World by Mary Pipher [the New York Times best-selling author of Reviving Ophelia]– who wrote:
“Looking back, I wish I could have just skipped elementary school and junior high. Outside school I loved talking to people and learning from them. I would spend time visiting with old people in their gardens and on their porches. I liked to play with little kids and chat with patients who came into my mother’s office. Almost everyday, I learned things about the natural world and animals, and I read more books in the summer than I could possibly read at school. I believe that I would have learned more if I had just been left alone to educate myself.”
Somewhere between our current rigid, adult dominated system of education and children being left alone to educate themselves, there is a middle ground that really excites me – one in which loving, joyful, creative and empowering adults partner with children in play. And by play, I don’t differentiate between playing games of tag, building forts, conducting science experiments, kicking a ball around, solving mathematical equations, playing the guitar, painting a picture or performing Shakespeare. Play is not about what you do but rather it is about the spirit and intention with which you do everything that you do. Play is simply about freely and joyfully engaging, connecting and exploring the world around you, and – yes – education and play are synonyms.
Sigmund Freud said, “Nothing gives a child more pleasure than when an adult gives up oppressive control and plays with them as equals.” If only teachers, coaches and parents were more frequently able to give up their oppressive control and play with children as equals we’d simultaneously be able to help keep them safe while also helping to nurture their social, emotional and cognitive development.
Play is not about what you do but rather it is about the spirit and intention with which you do everything that you do.
Intellectually, I understand that the world is not a whole lot more dangerous for kids than the world that I grew up in in the 70’s. A world where it was common for kids to race around the neighborhood on bikes (without helmets I might add) from dusk ‘til dawn without so much as a two-minute check-in with their parents. To tell you the truth, I can’t even believe I survived childhood. I remember playing tag football on the median of the highway, taking short-cuts along active railroad tracks, knocking myself unconscious sledding into trees and puncturing limbs during unsupervised afterschool dart fights.
I may be wrong but I don’t see my generation of parents – often criticized as “overinvolved” going back to the laissez-faire style of parenting that I grew-up with anytime soon. But this is okay, because I actually think that we –as parents— are evolving, and have many good reasons to be actively engaged with our children. Is it wrong to want to keep your kids safe and to be more engaged in all aspects of their young lives? The stakes are even higher for parents and/or caregivers of children who – for whatever reason – need a little extra (or a lot extra) guidance, reassurance and support in order for them to be able to “play well with others”.
We adults aren’t ruining children’s play and learning because we’re overly involved; we’re ruining children’s play and learning because of how we’re involved. We’ve forgotten (or never learned) how to play like children. We’re so busy controlling play that we don’t give children the space and freedom that they need to initiate, fail, persevere and ultimately grow. Adults don’t need to be absent from play, we just need our involvement to be more mindfully open, loving, empowering and non-judgmental. In other words, we need to learn how to partner with children and play with them as equals.
We adults aren’t ruining children’s play and learning because we’re overly involved; we’re ruining children’s play and learning because of how we’re involved.
Yesterday, I facilitated a training on Healing Play in Copenhagen for thirty child-care providers working with refugee children in Denmark. In order to see the work in action, the organizers of the workshop arranged to have a group of eight children from a local school join the training for an hour of playtime. While planning for their arrival, many of the trainees expressed concern that the adults would overwhelm the children and that a playgroup of eight kids and thirty adults was ridiculous. They suggested that some of the adults sit out and observe or completely remove themselves from the space. We ended up doing just the opposite. Instead of looking at the group as eight kids and thirty adults, we looked at the group as thirty-eight players. We chose a couple of adults to “gently guide” the session and set-up the environment with art supplies, balls, parachutes and music. The rest of us just got down on the kids level (or rose up to the kids level depending on how you look at it) and played. Kids played with kids. Adults played with adults. Kids played with adults. We all played together. Maybe that’s the answer.
About the Author: Steve Gross, M.S.W., is the Founder and Chief Playmaker of the Life is good Playmakers, a 501(c)(3) public charity. He has devoted his career to the service of our most vulnerable children. A pioneer in utilizing exuberant, joyful play to promote resiliency in children and their caregivers, and a leader in the field of psychological trauma response, Gross is committed to the healthy development of children facing the most challenging circumstances.
The vision of the nonprofit he founded is a world where all children grow up feeling safe, loved and joyful. In order to make this vision a reality, the Life is good Playmakers partners with frontline professionals – such as teachers, social workers and child life specialists – who dedicate their lives to helping children overcome poverty, violence and illness. These Playmakers use the power of play to build healing, life-changing relationships with the children in their care. This foundation of playfulness allows children to engage the world with passion and joy while giving them the courage and creativity to see possibilities and solutions in the face of adversity. To date over 3,500 certified Playmakers have cared for more than 210,000 children throughout the United States and Haiti.
Steve’s talents have been called upon to respond to some of the greatest catastrophes of our time, including the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina, earthquakes in Haiti and Japan, and the 2012 Newtown school shooting. At the heart of his work, Steve helps others access their own playfulness so that they can build resilience and bring greater joy, connection, courage and creativity to their work and their lives.
Photos courtesy of World Bank Photo Collection, and Duncan and used under Creative Commons License.